The Easy Part to Dating

John Gutekunst | June 28, 2016

25-30 Minute Read

The Easy Part to Dating

John Gutekunst | June 28, 2016

25-30 Minute Read

The Easy Part to Dating

John Gutekunst | June 28, 2016

25-30 Minute Read

If you are a person that demands experiencing the absolute best life has to offer and you are single, this post is tailor made just for you.

 

You can fool others into thinking you are putting your maximum effort into achieving your goals, but you can't fool yourself.

That may seem a little blunt and in your face- I know. You'll thank me for it one day though : )

 

This post is a little lengthy. Maybe it will help to think about it as a free, short, public eBook? Think of it however  you want, but 25-30 minutes is a drop in the bucket for people who REALLY want something, agreed?

 

Who knows? Maybe the next 25-30 minutes will help you find one of the most incredibly rewarding experiences any human being can ever experience.

 

I realize that 25-30 minutes straight through is difficult for some people. Thus, I have broken this post into three parts with "optional breaks" between each part. Each part takes +/- 10 minutes to read.  Part 1 begins here. When you get to another dark orange box like this, you've reached an optional break and the next part.

Part 1
8-10 minutes to read

"All truth goes through three stages.

First, it is ridiculed.

Second, it is violently opposed.

Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

-Arthur Schopenhauer-

Let's Make a Deal

Before we make a deal, let's start with the basics. Like anything worth building prudently and properly, you have to make sure a solid foundation is in place- correct? 

 

To begin, here are a few quick dynamics to consider:

  • There are many things you can learn and read about dating.
  • There are also many things you actually apply to your dating life.
  • There is also a viewpoint that is very beneficial to have when it comes to dating.

 

In short, it is helpful to view anything you read, learn, and/or apply to your dating life as something that has contributed to building your "dating mindset".

 

So, first and foremost, it is incredibly important that we are 100% on the same page about one fact as it is an absolutely vital part of building a solid foundation in your 'dating mindset'.

 

In fact, if you do not have this fact in your dating mindset already, you likely have built your mindset on some sort of quicksand. Don't worry though, many of us inadvertently build on quicksand, especially in the world of dating. It is easy to change this portion of the foundation. . .  if and only if you are willing to : )

 

Here's how a proposal for us to get on the same page.

 

Let me share "The Foundation of Dating" with you, discuss it a little, and then you can decide if we are on the same page or not. 

 

Deal?

 

Okay, good!

 

Here is the statement:

FOUNDATION OF DATING:

Intimate relationships can be one of the most rewarding experiences any human being can experience.

I really wish I didn't have to put any effort into proving this fact  (Yes, fact! IE:  2 + 2 =4, gravity exists, the world is round type of fact) in this post.

 

However, some may debate the truth of this fact. So let's set aside the depth and importance of the "any human" and "one of" parts of the "Foundation of Dating" statement for now and focus on one little but important word: please notice the first italicized and underlined word "can" in that statement.

 

Yes, I personally know very, very well that relationships (and dating) can be complicated. Hence why the word "can" is used in the Foundation of Dating statement. The same word also has a slightly different reason for being used in the final portion of the Foundation of Dating statement. Yes, humans CAN experience a very rewarding and enjoyable dating life. 

 

. . . It is fascinating how much one little word can have a huge impact on the meaning of many statements. . . 

 

... but I digress.

 

Yes, relationships and dating can be complicated. With the right skills and right (dating) mindset, they also can be much easier than you think. They also can be incredibly rewarding.

 

 Thus, please keep your faith in the what great things are possible in your life, especially your love and dating life.

 

How is your dating life ever going to be rewarding if you do not have faith and belief that it is possible for you?

 

Practical Reason

Here's a practical reason why.

 

Maybe you have you have heard it before that "like energy attracts like energy". I personally prefer to say,"Like energy tends to attract like energy" as this is not always true (sometimes opposites attract).

 

For the purposes of this post, your and my specific beliefs about that oh-so-mystical-and-mysterious-energy-talk are not that important.

 

What is important is the fact (yes, fact!) that I, and millions of others, including many psychology professionals, have found that this 'like to like' dynamic is especially true in dating and intimate relationships.

 

Thus, if you believe relationships can be incredibly rewarding, you tend to attract people that think the same thing.

 

And that's not just a good thing, but an amazingly and spectacularly GREAT thing, right!?

 

If you do not think relationships can be incredibly rewarding. . .

 

. . . I'll let you apply the 'like-to-like dynamic' to determine the implications of that. . .

 

The Moment of Truth:

This is it.

 

This is the point where it is important to ensure we are 100% on the same page.

 

If you do not agree with the Foundation of Dating statement- awesome! You have your opinion, and feel free to stick to it. However, I will say that means that you are not ready for this post.

 

Thus, if you do not agree with that statement, feel free to stop reading. I personally encourage you to do some soul searching until you do. That's just my (rather blunt) $0.02 though.

 

And those of you that are on the same page with me, even awesomer!

 

Read on! 

 

Discovery of "The Easy Part":

Now that we're 100% on the same page (right!?), let's get to the reasons why you decided to read this wonderful and insightful post in the first place.

 

It will probably help you if I share the not-so-easy experiences I personally went through while experiencing the "the easy part to dating".

 

DISCOVERY STORY #1:

For so many reasons, I will never forget the moment I saw her.

 

Soft, straight, silky hair that fell below her shoulders to just above her mid-back. A truly slender body. A great, full smile. She had a combination of pure beauty and sexiness that fueled an instant attraction throughout my entire body. She was wearing a black spaghetti-strap top with an open back that fully revealed her toned shoulders and luscious amounts of soft, smooth skin. She also wore tight jeans that showed curves in all the right ways and in all the right places. She had an essence of peace and grace as she wandered around our shared choice of a college-crowd-infused watering hole for the evening.

 

It wasn't just her looks and presence as to why I still remember her  today. It is how I felt and also the way I reacted as to why I still do.

 

Clearly I was instantly attracted to this girl. . . very attracted, actually.

 

However, when I was a young lad, I just did not know how to handle these situations as well as I now do today. Let's just say that, back then, my internal programming was set up in a way that only allowed me to admire her from a distance. This way I could while frantically and desperately think of a master plan about what I could possibly say or do to get her attention and get her attracted to me, so we could then go make lots and lots of babies one day.

 

After about an hour of drooling, wedding bells ringing in my mind, and me creepily staring at her from a distance, desperately hoping she didn't catch me doing so (she had to have a caught me at least a couple of times. . . which likely means 10+ times). . . As she passed by, I finally executed my "master plan" for the evening and made my move by reaching out and grabbing her hand. . .

 

And she promptly (and now, today, I  see very appropriately and very understandably) pulled her hand away.

 

I... was... DEVASTATED. . .

 

And the best part is, I was "easily" devastated by a girl I never even spoke a single word to...

 

I've learned a ton since then, and I am not afraid to admit that back then it literally took me weeks to get over this experience. I didn't go out for a few weeks because I just couldn't handle the pain and shame from how I felt.

SIDE NOTE #1:

Even though this was around a decade ago, I still vividly remember how desperately I wanted it to be so that I didn't fall so hard and get so affected by a gorgeous woman as much as I did. Even when I saw that girl in the black spaghetti-strap top, I knew that being desperate and uncontrollably affected by beautiful women so easily did not help my chances at attracting them at all.

 

I also remember how helpless and paralyzed I felt when I just could not figure out how to control those desperation-fueled feelings and thoughts. Even back then I was fully aware that this desperation directly compounded my own misery in the dating world (and therefore directly contributed to my dreaded loneliness too). In other words, I definitely wish I didn't fall very fast for potential partners. Maybe you can relate?

DISCOVERY STORY #2:

Fast forward eight or so years and I now had accumulated an unquantifiable amount of other dating experiences including dozens and dozens of first dates and my fair share of approached women without hand grabbing of a complete stranger as my sole conversation starter. Simply stated, eight years later, I thought I knew what I was doing.

 

. . . key word --> thought <--

 

After successfully securing a date on an online platform with a pretty girl with a very attractive face, I picked a great restaurant that features a cozy ambiance and great food for our first date.  We shared three or so hours of amazing conversation that I genuinely enjoyed while closing down the restaurant together. I walked her to her car, briefly kissed her goodnight, and our time on our first date together ended quite pleasantly.

 

When I got home, I just couldn't go up into my apartment. I was too excited.

 

Just, way too giddy.

 

Like, eight-year-old boy that received his first-ever-note from his first-ever crush, giddy.

 SIDE QUESTION:

Do eight- year-old kids nowadays still exchange notes, or is it snapchat for them already? 

 

Filled with energy, I decided to go for a walk. In a few moments, I found myself literally skipping around the block.. This was sometime around midnight on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I didn't care how crazy my neighbors thought I was.

I  thought I had f-i-n-a-l-l-y found her!

 

. . . again . . . key word --> thought <--

 

On the second date I personally experienced one of the biggest complaints that countless people have about the infamous online dating sites and internet dating apps.

 

A No-Brainer Many People Struggle With

Before I share this experience, let me clarify one of the most basic things about dating and falling in love. YES, it is completely normal, okay, rational, and prudent to want to be physically attracted to your partner. This means that it is completely okay and an absolute no-brainer to have "physical attraction" be a "must have" and/or a deal breaker on your "list" of characteristics you want in a potential mate.

 

Let's also be clear that I am NOT saying you absolutely must include physical attraction on your list, nor am I saying that it is an absolute must for both humans to be physically attracted to each other in order to fall in love. To some people, looks and physical attraction do not matter. However, to many people looks do matter, and that is completely fine and completely normal.

 

Like many things in life, you get to decide your stance on this topic for yourself.

 

And, NO, your mate does NOT need to have a good physique in order for you to be attracted to them. To each their own. Again, *YOU* decide what "good looks" and "physical attraction" means to you.

 

Again, this is not about what is good looking or not. This is about the fact that wanting physical attraction of some sort in your mate is COMPLETELY fine, normal, rational, prudent, etc.

 

Oh, and hopefully k it goes without saying that, yes, some people do indeed take it to an extreme, and value looks and physical attraction way too much. IE: In the most extreme cases, looks are the only thing that matter to some people.

 

Well, a shallow mindset and shallow values system leads to a lack of depth in life, especially in intimate relationships. This means that if looks are the only thing that matters to a person, that person will likely have a warped view and mindset when it comes to how deep, passionate, and liberating romantic love can actually be.

 

I share this "no-brainer" because, believe it or not, many people struggle with valuing physical attraction to a degree. They beat themselves up, or doubt who they are as a person for wanting to be physically attracted to their partner. They wonder if they're being shallow, or not being of loving as a person as they possibly could be, etc, etc...

 

Some people really do struggle with this, which is unfortunate.

 

At the end of the day, this topic really is a no-brainer. Physical attraction is important to some people, especially if you put a lot of time and energy into taking care of how you look.

 

Like many things in Life, as long as you don't take it to an extreme and value physical attraction way too much, you're good.

 

Back to the First-Date-Bride-to-Be

So, yes, the online dating world can be filled with a wide variety of experiences. After just one date, I was getting crazy about this girl at a crazy fast pace (maybe this has happened to you too?).

 

During that second date, it all took a turn for the worse. Let's just say that certain things happened during that date that caused me to realize that my great-first-date-and-therefore-automatic-bride-to-be had a very liberal use of the word "slender" in her online profile.

 

Looking back to our first date, I soon realized that she wore some pretty baggy clothing. Immediately after the second date, I looked at her profile again. It was then that I also realized she used photos with some very "crafty" angles to hide certain portions of her body.

 

(I guess I'll stick with the word "crafty"... I believe there is a strong case to call them manipulative angles... we'll stick with crafty for now...

 

...I don't want to sound bitter...

 

I swear I'm not......

 

!!!!!!

 

.........)

 

Again, let me be clear and say looks are definitely not everything. However, looks do matter to a degree.

 

Much more important than that:

When it comes to dating and romantic love;  integrity, trust, and being completely open and vulnerable (IE: not hiding anything) are way, WAY more important than physical attraction.

 

Needless to say...

It wasn't the loss of physical attraction that upset me and disappointed me the most. It was the feeling of being completely mislead and lied to that hurt the most.

 

Nice. So why share all this, John!?

These are just two of the many stories that I could share as to when I experienced the "easy part to dating".

 

So why am I sharing them?

 

No, it's not some meager, self-centered attempt gain your sympathy and support for the pain I've experienced during my past dating experiences. 

 

There are some deeper reasons why I'm willingly sharing some of my personal dating life on the exceptionally private platform called the internet.

 

Whether it's falling hard for someone you've never spoken a single word to, getting excited after a great first date, OR falling head over heels after only a short time of dating someone exclusively; it is very likely that you can relate to my stories and experiences you have had with "the easy part to dating".

 

Said differently,  it is very likely that you have your own personal stories as to how you have experienced this "easy part to dating". 

 

My experience from talking to hundreds, if not thousands of singles and couples, I cannot begin to describe the countless stories of heartache and heartbreak that people have shared that are similar to my stories in some way, but all have their own personal flavor of "experiencing the easy part".

 

What is this "easy part"?

If you are wondering this, I don't blame you, as I know I haven't just come out and said what it is quite yet.

 

Please know that I promise to share exactly what this easy part is in this post. However, before I do, there is an important clarification and a few other things that would benefit you to read first.

 

Let's start with the important clarification.

OPTIONAL BREAK
End of Part 1, Beginning of Part 2

19-21 Minutes Remaining. Part 2 is 11-13 minutes.

Important Clarification:

Some of you may be saying, "How in the world can you be claiming that you fell in love with a girl you never spoke a word to and only saw for an hour or so?" Or maybe, "Are you claiming you fell in love with a girl after just one date?"

 

If you are wondering anything close to these thoughts- great catch and great questions!

 

Did I "love" these girls? 

 

As good and intriguing as that question is, that is not why I chose to share these stories as that question can lead to a debate- a debate that I do not intend to address in this post. I chose these stories for two other reasons:

 

1) It is true that many, MANY people fall very hard very fast AND wish they didn't.

Call it love. Actually, call it whatever you want. I really don't care what word you use to describe the level to which I fell for either girl in my two stories.

 

However, I will highlight that the first story in particular (the one about the girl in the black spaghetti-strap top and me being devastated for weeks) confirms that I definitely was in the "fall very fast" phase at one point in time.

 

Then fast-forward eight or so years, with tons of dating experience and knowledge as a young-adult throughout my 20's and I still found myself falling pretty fast.

 

Although I have to give myself some credit as I was clearly mislead by "Ms. Liberally Slender", so I really do not beat myself up on that one. I view it as a thorough lesson in:

A) Learning to look at pictures pretty diligently when considering potential partners, and

B) To not get too excited after only one good date. Some excitement is good! A great first date is something to be celebrated. Too much excitement can be risky though.

 

It is very likely that many, MANY people can relate to these stories. So part of the reason why I share these stories is to say: 

For those of you that may be in the "I fall faster than I wish I did phase", please know that I know what it is like to be in those shoes very, very well.

 

As you may be aware of by now, I am a Love Coach & a Life Coach. Being a coach of this nature, I have devoted my life to helping others have their biggest breakthroughs as fast as possible, and enjoying their lives as much as humanly possible. 

 

Thus, it is the people that are in the "fall faster than they wish the did" phase that I really want to reach with this article.

 

In fact, having been in those exact shoes before and also knowing exactly how to get out of them; it is these people that I am trying to reach the most with this post as I am absolutely certain I can help them if and only if they are humble enough to open themselves up for some assistance.

 

I will end my commercial  and continue my attempt in assisting the people in the "fall faster than they wish the did" phase (and everyone else reading this) by emphasizing the second reason why I shared these two stories:

 

2) To highlight the fact (yes, fact!) that there is a distinct difference between attraction and love.

Even though it very often and quite possibly always happens when you fall in love with someone- feeling attracted to someone is a much different feeling than actually falling in love with someone.

 

The fact (yes, fact!) that attraction and love are so closely related and the reality that many, MANY people believe love and attraction feel the same leads many, MANY people to get tripped up.

 

These people often assume their feelings of attraction are the same feelings as falling in love. However, it is an undeniable fact (yes, fact!) that there is a distinct difference between attraction and love.

 

If you aren't 100% on the same page with me on that fact, don't worry. I will share one more story for you to help show how this is true. But first, there are some key nuances worth exploring first.

 

Key Nuances for You to Remember about Attraction vs. Love

Let's highlight some subtleties and nuances worth ingraining into your psyche and 'dating mindset' in regards to attraction being different than love by returning to Ms. Gorgeous in the black spaghetti-strapped top.

 

When I first saw this girl +/- 10 years ago, I had absolutely no clue what the difference was between attraction and love. More specifically, I had no clue what *I felt like* when *I* was attracted to someone vs. when *I* was falling in love with someone.

 

For many, MANY people (especially those who think they fall too fast), they do not know broader, conceptual difference between being attracted to someone and falling in love with someone.

 

More importantly, many, MANY people do not know the difference between how *THEY* feel when *they* are attracted to someone vs. when *they* are falling in love with someone.

 

When they don't know how these different feelings actually feel in themselves; many, MANY times people feel attraction and then instantly fall in love with someone based on that feeling. . .  simply because they do not know the difference.

 

And, chances are, the more lonely and desperate you are for love, the more likely you are to go from attraction to falling in love in a very, very fast pace (if not instantly).

 

Those of you in the "I fall faster than I wish I did phase", PLEASE ponder these previous two statements and think about the implications they have on your life. Please also know this:

 

Attraction can feel very similar to love- especially if you are only just beginning to learn the difference between how the two feel in yourself.

 

It's okay if you have struggled with attraction vs. love.

 

Many, MANY people do. There's nothing wrong with you if you were someone who did. Clearly I was one of the many, MANY who did myself.

 

Stay strong. It can be overcome.

 

 

Another "Little" Nugget for You

I have to share one other little nugget that I have learned from my experiences with the easy part of dating that many find incredibly enlightening when they first realize it. 

 

In fact- this is one of those things that causes many people to say to me "Darnit John, where were you 5...10...20...30+ years ago!"

 

Let me start with a little background as to how I came across this nugget. 

 

Since the dark spot I went through in my life back in 2010, I have unleashed my brain on the topic of psychology and been researching it as much as possible.

 

Given my *spectacular* natural ability with dating; since I began this due-diligence process in psychology, I have put a great deal of energy into researching what the professionals in the psychology world had to say on dating and intimate relationships.

 

During this research I was introduced to a concept called subconscious neurotic attractions ("SNA's" for the purposes of this post). That's fancy talk for the belief in the psychology world that, for better or worse, humans have a tendency programmed deep in our minds to be very attracted to people that remind us of what love felt like to us during our formative years and childhood experiences.

 

Like I said, this can be for better or worse, depending on your childhood. Psychologists basically use the SNA concept to say "like attracts like" in courtship in a much more researched and scientific way. Besides google, learn more about this concept here.

 

A girl I met around a year ago put my faith in myself about my ability to handle my SNA's and my triggers through the gauntlet.

 

"About a year ago" was 2015. At this point, I had accumulated about five years of research on psychology and dating. By familiarizing myself with the concept of SNA's and applying that knowledge with a few other topics, I felt I was very aware of my personal triggers, physical characteristics, and "types" of women that I am very likely to feel very strong attractions very quickly. In short, by 2015 I felt I was well prepared to handle any triggers caused by any female I met.

 

This girl turned out to be a spectacular way to test the theories I had in my head and determine if they were useless theories or powerful, undeniably true facts (yes, facts!).

 

The Real Drug?

The instant I saw her I went into full on subconscious neurotic attraction mode. She had the exact physical characteristics that triggered me (eyes, hair color, smile, voice, etc.), and an absolutely incredible body on top of it.

 

After our first two or three conversations together, I realized we had exceptional conversational chemistry. I have talked to thousands of people in my life, and I am not exaggerating when I say our initial conversational chemistry was exceptionally good.

 

Encountering someone that is very physically attractive, with an amazing body, and great conversational chemistry on top of it will do a number on any single, sexually-charged human being.

 

Still today, physical attraction and conversational chemistry are still high on my list of things I want in my partner, so you can see how great of a "test" of my theories this lovely lady was.

 

Needless to say, it didn't take long and my primal instincts were operating in full force.

 

Within a very short time frame she was in places and positions she had never been in before; doing things, making sounds, saying things, and feeling things she never even knew were possible. . . At least, that was vividly occurring in my mind pretty much every time I saw her, thought about her, and/or spoke to her.

 

It's absolutely no wonder why they say "love is a drug".

However, maybe it would be more accurate to say "attraction is a drug"? 

 

I was very, very attracted to this girl and I sure as krap was experiencing some sort of intense 'high' or 'buzz' shortly after meeting her.

 

Familiar Road

Having been down this road many times before (as you can hopefully see by now), I knew that the many incredibly erotic and intensely desirable scenes I had created with her in my mind were all just me feeling a very strong sense of attraction.

 

More importantly, I knew that I sure as heck was not in love.

 

My decade-ago-self gave me a high five and a big man hug when I realized this.

 

Once I started thinking and feeling with the parts of my body that were above my waistline, I calmed down and realized I needed to get to know this girl better, especially before I do anything physical with her.

 

From past experiences, given how quickly and intensely I was attracted to her, I knew this was extra important in this scenario

 SIDE NOTE #2:

This last paragraph touches on two HUGELY important dynamics for people to be aware of in their dating life. First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being intensely attracted to someone. That's actually a very enjoyable experience, especially if you can control your decisions, actions, and behavior when you are very attracted to someone.

 

The second dynamic is a really "huge" point to remember that has three components:

A) The more attracted you are to someone the more likely any physical intimacy will magnify that attraction.

B) Magnified and amplified attraction almost always leads to love- especially if hot, steamy, sensual, and incredibly pleasreful physical intimacy occurs with someone you're very, very attracted to physically, intellectually, emotionally, and/or spiritually (just one of these four is enough. If you're attracted on all four levels, the amplification of physical intimacy is even more powerful).

C) The more often and the more types of physical intimacy you allow yourself to experience with someone, the more everything gets amplified. Again, the higher the level of the attraction, the more physical intimacy magnifies everything.

 

So if you are considering some sort of intimacy with someone, ask yourself these two questions: 

1) Relative to other people I have fallen in love with, how attracted to this person am I?

2) Am I willing to risk falling in love with this person right now?

 

The implications of falling in love with someone are countless. I will highlight these for now: loss of attraction means you come down from an enjoyable experience. It means you come down from a high. If you lose your love for someone, that is when heartbreak is a very likely possibility. Heartbreak is not fun for anyone. So it is fair to ask yourself "am I willing to risk getting my heart broken?" as well.

 

Oh, and I can't help but point out, how likely is anyone to be able to accurately, objectively, and rationally answer those two questions about an attraction high they're feeling when they're already high or buzzed on something else (alcohol, pot, etc.)? Not trying to pass judgement. I'm just giving you another obvious but often discounted dynamic to ponder and be aware of.

I could go on for hours about that side note. Let me get back to the story.

 

Again, I knew I needed to be careful. And I knew I needed to think with different parts of my head. More specifically, I knew that I could not use the below-the-waistline-influenced, primal portions of my mind. I knew I had to use the portion of my mind that was logical, patient, dedicated,  experienced, and disciplined. IE: The part of my mind that knows how to suppress primal urges and demand the absolute most out of life vs. a quick fix.

 

And I'm glad I was disciplined and did exactly that. A few weeks and a few conversations later, it became very clear that she was not what I was looking for longer term.

 

As physically attracted to her as I was, and as attracted as I was to our initial conversational chemistry; it turned out that we didn't have shared values and shared personality traits that are required to have an incredibly passionate relationship over the longer term vs. an incredibly passionate fling or two.

 

She didn't have a lot of depth to her personality, courage, or integrity, and was basically living her life from a place full of deep unaddressed insecurities, a lack of faith in herself, and deep-rooted, but still suppressed fear. My heart goes out to her and the many, MANY other guys and girls out there that are like her. However, those are pretty much the exact opposite of what I am looking for in my future long-term lover. So until she conquers these things in herself (which may never happen, unfortunately), I knew I needed to stay away and save my full heart for someone else.

 

When I realized this, an interesting thing happened. Those primal urges completely disappeared. That is saying something because for a the first few weeks, a day and often times an hour didn't go by that some sort of fantasy with her did not cross my mind. However, once I realized I was looking for something more, those urges and the high-level of attraction dissipated completely.

 

 SIDE NOTE #3:

For better or worse, when we give our full heart to someone else, we become bonded to them.

 

Giving the full depth of your heart to someone and all of your Love, tenderness, warmth, and care that goes along with it when it is fully bonded to someone else is undeniably one of the most precious gifts you can give to any human being.

 

Precious gifts are not meant to be given out impulsively, re-actively, or out of some sort of guilt and shame. Gifts this special and unique are meant to be given out with some sort of  prudence and diligence, and to the people who will undeniably value them, appreciate them, hold them dearly, and take care of them- don't you think?

OPTIONAL BREAK
End of Part 2, Beginning of Part 3

7-9 Minutes Remainng

 

Back to the Nugget:

Remember how I said I was sharing this final story to share a "little nugget" with you? Well, that nugget is this fact (yes, fact!):

 

No matter how attracted to someone you may be, you can control whether or not you fall in love with that person or not.

 

The implications of this previous statement are quite profound- especially for those that have never had this realization before. There is one incredibly important dynamic and fact (yes, fact!) that is implied in that statement that you must also realize. Perhaps this is the "little" nugget you are looking for?

 

You can control who you fall in love with.

 

You and only you can control who you fall for. That third and final story shows what "controlling who I fall for" was like for me. And I'm guy that used to fall very hard very fast. I hope that you too can say the same thing one day- that you learned how to control who you let yourself fall in love with.

 

 SIDE NOTE #4:

Remember that fancy-concept: subconscious neurotic attractions (SNA's)? Well, as interesting of a topic as that may be, PLEASE do not obsess about your SNA's, your triggers, types, etc. These can be good to know for some, and can actually hurt for others to explore. So, let's focus on what can really benefit your life vs. some fascinating psychological concept, shall we?

 

Thus, let's focus on the fact that attraction and love are different. Most importantly, let's focus on the fact (yes, fact!) that once you realize that you can control who you fall in love with, you annihilate any concerns about what your SNA's are and how much they will impact your love life. This final story provided a case-in-point example of what this can look like.

Let that 'nugget' sink in. Heck, let this entire post sink in.

 

You may be a little worn down after reading all of this. 

 

I wouldn't blame you if you are. I've thrown a lot at you. So let me tie it together.

 

However, before I finish, there are two other big facts that you and I have to make another one of those 100% same page agreements on. These facts are pretty profound, and I could write a full post, or maybe even full books about their implications and nuances. However, I think the facts also can speak for themselves on their own.

 

You can make one final deal, and one final 100% agreement with me, correct?

 

Two Final Facts:

Fact 1: We all don't want just a relationship. We want an incredibly passionate relationship full of deep intimacy, joy, and excitement.

 

We're talking about a passion and excitement that flows freely both inside and outside of the bedroom.

That sounds good, right!?!?

 

Fact 2: We don't want just a partner. We want the partner that is the best partner for ourselves.

Again, I could write for hours about these two facts and how important they are. You've read enough, so I'll do it quickly this time.

 

Remember how we are "building a dating mindset" and that having a strong foundation is essential to building anything worth valuing and celebrating?

 

Well, these two facts are again absolutely essential and absolutely vital to include in the foundation of your dating mindset.

 

Without them fully entrenched in the foundation of your dating mindset, you will not experience anywhere near the deepest levels of joy, passion, and love that dating and/or intimate relationships can bring to your life.

 

Those who are demanding to experience the best out of life find a way to deeply entrench these beliefs into their overall psyche and dating mindset.

 

I also will remind you of the "like energy attracts like energy" concept. This d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y applies to these final two facts.

 

So what is this infamous "easy part"!?

Finally!

 

You're here.

 

At this point, you may have forgotten why you first were interested in this post. You may have also forgotten that I promised to share with you exactly what "the easy part to dating" is.

 

No matter what is on your mind right now, I think it is time to share exactly what the easy part is.

 Whether it's someone you've never spoken a word to. . .

Or someone you've only had one great first date with. . .

Or someone you've had a few great dates with. . .

 

The easy part to dating is falling in love.

The challenging part to dating is falling in love with the right person for you.

I can hear the flip of the switch and the light bulbs going all over the world right now.

 

Maybe one of those are yours?

 

Tie "It" Together Some More

Let 's tie everything together even tighter.

 

Remember that little nugget that was shared not too long ago, IE: You can control who you fall in love with?

 

Can you also recall the final two key facts in the previous section, IE: We all want an incredibly passionate relationship (Fact 1) with a person that is the absolute best for us (Fact 2)?

 

Well, by combining "the nugget" with "the final two facts" you get "the challenging part to dating" which is "falling in love with the right person for you".

 

Said differently:

 It is very practical and beneficial to have a dating mindset that realizes "the real challenge to dating" is not falling in love, but learning to control who you allow yourself to fall in love with while also ensuring that person you eventually fall for is the right person for you.

 

^THAT^, my friends, is the real challenge in dating.

The Ultimate Master Skill for Dating:

It also is incredibly helpful to view "falling in love with the right person for you" as a "skill".

 

Just like any skill, it is a skill that can be learned.

 

This skill in particular is incredibly worthwhile to learn and become a master at, as the reward for mastering this skill is one of the most incredibly rewarding experiences any human being can have.

 

That is because by mastering this skill you maximize the possibility that you will meet the best person for you. Having the best partner for you then goes a long way in you creating the passionate relationship you are looking for- agreed?

 

This is why I say:

Learning to fall in love with the right person for you

is the ultimate master skill for dating.

It also is by far and away the most rewarding part to dating too.

Challenging vs. Easy Parts One Final Time

The challenging part essentially involves two things: introspection and self control.

 

IE: It takes a ton of introspection (IE: knowing who and what is right for you). You can't expect to find the partner of your dreams in your very first date. Some trial and error is involved in this "learning what is the best for you" part.  

 

After you know what you're looking for, you then have to use your skill of applying your self-control for who allow yourself to fall in love with.

 

THAT is the difficult stuff!

THAT is the worthwhile stuff!

THAT is the challenging stuff!

 

It is easy to fall in love.

 

I mean, come on!

 

Look at those first two stories of mine, and look at how many people besides the old-me fall in love the same exact instant they're attracted to someone!

 

Again, I do not look down on my past or anyone who "falls faster than they wish". I have too much compassion,  empathy, and understanding to make negative judgments about that behavior. I know very-intimately why that happens.

 

However, the fact (yes, fact!) that many, MANY people fall very fast proves that falling in love is easy!

More Proof:

It is said in many places that "Love is who we are at our core".

 

Human needs psychology confirms that love is one of our deepest needs.

 

It's much more than a desire- we need it! From connection with acquaintances to passionate romantic love, all human beings need some form of love and connection. We are always fulfilling that need in some form or another.

 

It's what we are at our core.

 

That's why it's so easy for us to do. . . that's why it's easy for all of us fall in love. . .

 

. . . Love is who we really, truly are at our core.

 

It is what we do.

 

We love.

 

Love Masterfully Transforms Force of Love Seven Agreements

So. . . Now what?

I hope you agree that falling in love is the easy part.

 

But where does that leave us?

 

Where does that leave you?

 

Well, it leaves you with the challenging part staring you straight in the face.

 

The introspection, patience-driven, disciplined, courageous, tough, objective, and focused part to dating. The challenge of applying your faith in yourself, and using the self-control and discipline required for you to ensure that you fall in love with the right person for you.

 

And obviously some hope, optimism, and positivity are required too.

 

Those are the challenges you are left with: completely objective introspection and applying self-control.

 

That is your real "dating challenge".

 

Tackling this dating challenge, my friends, is a whole... other... topic. I will save the best practices in taking on this challenge and how to have most fun possible while doing so for another time.

 

You've read enough. I will end with five questions for you to ponder along with everything else in this post.

Five Questions For You:

1) What was the biggest challenge you overcame in your life?

 

2) How did it feel to overcome that challenge?

 

3) How fun and gratifying will it feel to know that you looked another incredibly important challenge directly in the face and took it on with a 2,000% effort. IE An effort that engaged all of your body, all of your mind, all of your heart, and all of your soul?

 

4)  If you incorporated everything you've learned about dating into your dating mindset and used that mindset to take on that "challenging part of dating" with 2,000% effort, what would your reward be?

 

5) Now that you've read this post and answered those four previous questions about your life and your dating mindset- what are you going to do?

 

Rely on Force of Love

The Gute Life
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Gute (Goo-tee)

John Gutekunst is an educator, coach, writer, and speaker. He also is a CFA Charterholder, a certified yoga instructor, a depression expert, an entrepreneur, and a "retired" corporate banker too. He is dedicated to guiding others enjoy their lives as much as humanly possible, guiding others through the process of completely eliminating their most difficult personal challenges from their life, AND to assisting others with achieving their most passionate goals and dreams. He also helps others find a way to Love themselves No Matter What Happens in their life. To speak with him directly, please email him at john@thegutelife.com.
Headshot 200 tall

Gute (Goo-tee)

John Gutekunst is an educator, coach, writer, and speaker. He also is a CFA Charterholder, a certified yoga instructor, a depression expert, an entrepreneur, and a "retired" corporate banker too. He is dedicated to guiding others enjoy their lives as much as humanly possible, guiding others through the process of completely eliminating their most difficult personal challenges from their life, AND to assisting others with achieving their most passionate goals and dreams. He also helps others find a way to Love themselves No Matter What Happens in their life. To speak with him directly, please email him at john@thegutelife.com.
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